Psalm Isadora is the top tantra expert in the world and a highly sought-after sexuality, relationship, and trauma expert specializing in women’s health and empowerment as well as modern sexual education. In this weekly advice column, Psalm brings her expertise to sexual and relationship issues most people face at one time or another. If you want to ask Psalm your questions (anonymously), email [email protected].
Question: I am a 70-year-old woman, married for 25 years to a man who has no interest in sex. I love him. We cuddle and kiss. But that’s where it ends. I’ve asked him if we could lie down together and just stroke each other sexually without intercourse, but he has refused. His response to me is to use my vibrator, which I do quite often. Alone. Do you have any suggestions for how I can go about getting my needs met?
Thank you for your question. Know that you are not alone in seeking help with this issue. And let me say from the jump, I want you to resist the temptation to make this about age. One of my students is 72 and is having the best sex she’s ever had with her husband after doing tantra in tandem with my jade egg method.
Now, on to the not so great news. Unfortunately, there are a lot of sexless marriages. According to a New York Times article, “sexless marriage” is the top marriage-related search on Google—more than “unhappy” or “loveless” marriage. That says a lot.
Whether you’re in a sexless marriage, single and dating someone who isn’t treating you the way you want, or single and not getting as many dates as you want, you must begin by understanding that the way someone else treats you has more to do with their own issues than with yours. They probably aren’t comfortable talking about their issues because, though we know how to be naked with our bodies, we often don’t know how to be naked with our emotions.
Since this is such a common issue, I want you to take a little quiz. Those of you reading this at home can ask yourself the following as well.
If you find yourself in a relationship where your partner doesn’t want to have sex with you as much as you want, do you:
- Shut down or become less sexual?
- Decide that there must be something unattractive about you and start to feel body shame or self-loathing?
- Start to seek attention outside of your primary relationship and begin an emotional or physical affair with people who give you the attention you seek?
Regardless of your answer, we need to talk about ways that you can own your own sexuality, whether you’re married and aren’t getting the attention you want sexually, are in a sexless relationship, or are single.
Being in a sexless relationship or being single doesn’t mean you should feel isolated or just shut down. We all know that having orgasms on the regular will make you feel happier and healthier. That’s why I suggest doing sacred masturbation. An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away! That might sound funny, but once you’re doing tantra, you’ll understand that sexual energy isn’t just about the actual orgasm or having sex.
It’s about having that Shakti or that life force vitality turned on like a light switch, keeping your whole body glowing so that when you walk in a room, everybody asks, “Who’s that bitch?!” It’s your job to stay juicy for yourself, so dust away those cobwebs in your mind and body.
If you’re not having sex as much as you’d like, masturbation helps your body stay sexual.
1. Use your vibrator for multiple orgasms.
Yes, vibrators are a great tool in tantra. You can use yours for a technique called edging. Edging is part of the ancient tantric practice of cultivating your sexual energy (your chi, or vitality). Edging will not only empower you; it will give you more energy and can even lower anxiety. Did I mention it will give you multiple orgasms? Here’s how:
- Use your vibrator or your fingers to self-stimulate to the edge of climax.
- Right when you’re at the edge of climax, stop. This might feel counterintuitive, but take deep, calming breaths until you’re relaxed again.
- Repeat the process of edging yourself to near climax. Do this for 5-15 minutes. After that, either release to full orgasm or hold in that energy to give you extra vitality for the rest of your day. Doing this will help you to experience whole body orgasms and multiple orgasms. And since this is a tantric method, you’ll be working the mind/body/soul connection. Your sexual health relates to every part of you, so taking control of your sexuality is crucial.
You can do this alone, invite your partner to watch, or invite them to edge you with the vibrator.
2. Start with what you can do.
Change starts with you. If, after all this, you find that you’re truly unhappy because your partner still isn’t capable or willing to have sex with you, you might have to make some hard decisions about whether this is a relationship you can stay in long-term. The good news, though, is that because you’ve taken the time to self-pleasure on the regular, you’ll be glowing with orgasmic energy, you’ll be more attractive, and you’ll reap all of the benefits that come with owning your sexuality.
Some tough love: Don’t get stuck in a negative pattern of waiting for your partner to be the one to want you. Start wanting yourself! Love your own body and the skin you’re in. No one can steal your sexual magnetism from you. Only you can let that happen. But now that you have the tools to do it, it’s up to you to be empowered.